Too funny not to love, too tragic not to share. On today’s Tyra show, following segments on “ex-ing” (continuing to see ex-boyfriends) and “my mom’s a dominatrix,” Tyra Banks unveiled her recipe for “Vegetarian Fried Chicken.” Standing before a bare table set with only a pan (which was never used), salt and pepper, Tyra asked the audience if they knew what simple item dating back to Egyptians time was a common vegetarian food still eaten today. “Soup?” suggested one member from the audience. “Nope, it’s not soup!” Tyra said, “It’s bread!” She then instructed the audience to remove a bread roll from each of their audience appreciation packets before giving a step by step, thorough explanation of how to make her “super easy” version of friend chicken. Even if armed with only a ninth grade reading level at their disposable, the audience seemed a little shocked by Tyra’s naivete. Below is the recipe in its entirety, along with commentary on how this sh*t went down):
This seemingly innocent-looking bread roll makes a mean chicken wing.
Tyra Banks’ Fake Fried Chicken
Bread (unspecified but anything from a slice of white bread or roll is encouraged)
1) Produce the roll from your audience appreciation packet or grocery store or basket o’ bread at x fancy restaurant your man is taking you out to to make up for sleeping with that stripper (which we know he only did ‘cuz he was drunk)
2) Using a butter knife (that’s the not-so sharp one) smear the butter on one side of the bread (here Tyra indicates that it’s proper etiquette to tear off pieces of bread and smear them individually. Although we believe she gleaned this tip from having the author of Etiquette Emily Post appear on her show, we’re pretty sure she had one of her nerdier assistants read it for her.)
3) Next, sprinkle the bread in salt.
4) Sprinkle the bread in pepper (here Tyra explains that restaurant pepper shakers are often difficult to shake and you might have to try a few times).
5) Viola! Share the “fake chicken” with members of your studio audience while they make confused and frightened faces to the effect of “Wait, YOU get paid 23 million a year for coming up with this sh*t?”
Thank you Warner Brothers.