Too funny not to love, too tragic not to share. On today’s Tyra show, following segments on “ex-ing” (continuing to see ex-boyfriends) and “my mom’s a dominatrix,” Tyra Banks unveiled her recipe for “Vegetarian Fried Chicken.” Standing before a bare table set with only a pan (which was never used), salt and pepper, Tyra asked the audience if they knew what simple item dating back to Egyptians time was a common vegetarian food still eaten today. “Soup?” suggested one member from the audience. “Nope, it’s not soup!” Tyra said, “It’s bread!” She then instructed the audience to remove a bread roll from each of their audience appreciation packets before giving a step by step, thorough explanation of how to make her “super easy” version of friend chicken. Even if armed with only a ninth grade reading level at their disposable, the audience seemed a little shocked by Tyra’s naivete. Below is the recipe in its entirety, along with commentary on how this sh*t went down):

This seemingly innocent-looking bread roll makes a mean chicken wing.

Tyra Banks’ Fake Fried Chicken

Ingredients:
Butter
Bread (unspecified but anything from a slice of white bread or roll is encouraged)
Salt
Pepper

Directions:
1) Produce the roll from your audience appreciation packet or grocery store or basket o’ bread at x fancy restaurant your man is taking you out to to make up for sleeping with that stripper (which we know he only did ‘cuz he was drunk)
2) Using a butter knife (that’s the not-so sharp one) smear the butter on one side of the bread (here Tyra indicates that it’s proper etiquette to tear off pieces of bread and smear them individually. Although we believe she gleaned this tip from having the author of Etiquette Emily Post appear on her show, we’re pretty sure she had one of her nerdier assistants read it for her.)
3) Next, sprinkle the bread in salt.
4) Sprinkle the bread in pepper (here Tyra explains that restaurant pepper shakers are often difficult to shake and you might have to try a few times).
5) Viola! Share the “fake chicken” with members of your studio audience while they make confused and frightened faces to the effect of “Wait, YOU get paid 23 million a year for coming up with this sh*t?”

Thank you Warner Brothers.

Easiness: **
Greenness: Vegan

This recipe is inspired by Nil, a Sudanese Restaurant in Berlin. They specialize in Tamiya (a sudanese kind of falafel), halloumi (fried cheese), and now tofu! These sandwiches are easy to make for a quick vegetarian lunch or snack.

Ingredients:
1 pita bread
1/2 package tofu cut into 1/4″ strips
1/2 cup shredded lettuce
1 tomato sliced
Pepper or pepper corn
a pinch of Curry Powder (can be omitted)
Peanut sauce or tahini optional but recommended for flavor. You can also use a bit of spicy sauce or other middle eastern sauce of your choosing.
1 tbsp oil

Directions:
Sprinkle the tofu with pepper and curry powder. Fry on either side until slightly brown around the edges.
Slice the pita bread in half. If you have peanut sauce, spread the inside of the pita sauce with as much as you desire. Open the pita bread and stuff (equally distributing) lettuce, tomatoes, and fried tofu. Enjoy!

Hollandaise sauce is a creamy, yellowy, buttery sauce French in origin that is a little sweet and a little sour to the taste. It is traditionally used on eggs benedict but also tastes great on a variety of vegetables.

What goes with hollandaise sauce? What vegetables can I put hollandaise sauce on?
The following vegetables taste wonderful with hollandaise sauce. Unless otherwise specified, we recommend steaming these vegetables if you plan to use them with hollandaise:
-Broccoli
-Asparagus
-Artichoke hearts
-Baked or Fried Potatoes
-Cauliflower
-Brussel Sprouts
-Spinach

How do I make it?
You can make hollandaise sauce from scratch or buy it in a flavoring packet that is sold in most grocery stores in the section for packaged sauces. Below are two recipes for hollandaise including a vegetarian lacto-ovo version and a vegan version.

Lacto-ovo Original Vegetarian Hollandaise Sauce Recipe
Ingredients

* 4 egg yolks
* 1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
* 1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted (1 stick)
* Pinch cayenne
* Pinch salt

Directions

Vigorously whisk the egg yolks and lemon juice together in a stainless steel bowl and until the mixture is thickened and doubled in volume. Place the bowl over a saucepan containing barely simmering water (or use a double boiler,) the water should not touch the bottom of the bowl. Continue to whisk rapidly. Be careful not to let the eggs get too hot or they will scramble. Slowly drizzle in the melted butter and continue to whisk until the sauce is thickened and doubled in volume. Remove from heat, whisk in cayenne and salt. Cover and place in a warm spot until ready to use for the eggs benedict. If the sauce gets too thick, whisk in a few drops of warm water before serving.

Recipe from Foodnetwork

Vegan Hollandaise Sauce Recipe
1/2 c. plus 1/4 c. unflavored soymilk or other nondairy milk (3/4 c. total)
2 T. Earth Balance or Soy Garden Natural Buttery Spread, melted and kept warm (or butter flavored non-dairy margarine)
1 and 3/4 T. cornstarch or wheat starch
*Note: Do not substitute arrowroot, tapioca starch, or kuzu— I tried these and the results were not satisfactory.
1 T. fresh lemon juice
1/2 tsp. salt
pinch of white pepper or a dash of hot pepper sauce
tiny pinch of tumeric (less than a 1/16th of a tsp—more makes a phony-looking color)

Directions:
Heat the 1/2 c. soymilk until not quite simmering—pour into the blender container along with the salt, pepper or hot sauce, and cover to keep hot while you melt the Earth Balance and go on to the next step.
In a small (2 c.) saucepan or microwave-proof bowl, mix together the first 1/4 c. of soymilk and the cornstarch and tumeric, and whisk together well.
If making in a pot on the stovetop, stir constantly over high heat until thick and translucent, shiny yellow, not a dull yellow — OR:
Microwave option: Use the microwave-proof bowl for the mixture, and microwave on HI 20 seconds. Whisk. Repeat two times, or until thick and translucent, shiny yellow, not a dull yellow.
Scrape the yellow cornstarch mixture into the blender container containing the hot milk mixture, and add the lemon juice. Blend well, adding the melted Earth Balance slowly through the hole in the lid while the machine is running. Blend until the mixture is pale yellow and frothy and emulsified (you can’t see any oil globules).
Serve immediately, or, if it has cooled down too much, heat briefly in the microwave at a low setting, or in a small pot on the stove over low heat, or keep hot on an alcohol burner briefly before using. The cooled mixture may be reheated gently, as well.
Recipe from Bryanna’s Vegan Feast

Food, Inc. The Movie Official Site

First of all, why bother buying herbs or spices?
I used to look at spices, particularly fresh herbs as an unnecessary expense. Now I realize by just picking up a jar of spices or a bundle of herbs when I go to the store, be it basil or parsley, I can spice up an otherwise boring dish or turn a regular ol’ vegetable into a meal unto itself.

Fresh or Jarred?
There is a definite difference here both in taste and longevity. The taste of fresh herbs is undoubtedly more distinct and therefor usually better. However, sometimes you don’t want the actual plant interfering with the texture of whatever you’re making and you want a spice. Spices in jars don’t ever go bad, but they do lose their punch after about a year (this is only for herb spices, spices that are ground like pepper last a couple years more). Whereas fresh herbs go bad within days or weeks depending on how moist you keep them (when they’ve dried out or wilted, it’s time to chuck ‘em). You can keep your fresh herbs stay fresh by putting the ends in a cup filled with water, then placing a plastic bag over the top and putting them in the fridge. If you find yourself preferring fresh herbs, but hating the hassle of going back to the store to buy new ones, try keeping a couple plants on your window sill or growing your own herb garden.

The Basics
Spices that are typically useful in the vegetarian kitchen include basil, parsley, oregano, thyme, and rosemary (okay okay and salt and pepper). You can throw these bad boys just about on any vegetable, and even some fruits like tomatoes and cucumbers (still both technically fruits due to the whole seed thing) without having to worry much about ruining your meal. These also go well on pasta and with couscous, beans, or bulgar!

Mysterious Spices
That said, there are a lot of spices I haven’t tried, but am eager to. But first, I’d probably want to know what they taste like and how to use them! Not to worry, apparently there’s a whole database on the subject online at the Encyclopedia of Spices. Curious to know what sumac is? How about cardamom? Or asafoetida? Check them out below: Encyclopedia of Spices

Kung Pao Tofu
Louisianna Gumbo
Jambalaya
Cajun-style Collard Greens
Pate en Croute

Cook’s Notes: This recipe is really simply but depends on using fresh, quality ingredients. So get to your local farmer’s market and get crackin’!

Ingredients:
One serving of spaghetti, cooked (about 200 grams)
One lump of buffalo mozzarella (this is the fresh kind you get in a ball)
Cherry tomatoes or ripe (in their prime!) other kind of tomato
1/4 cup olive oil
1 clove garlic
1 lemon
Fresh Basil (a bundle or just the leaves) chopped
1 tsp white vinegar
salt and pepper to taste
oregano to taste (optional)

Directions:
1. Wash the tomatoes. Cut them apart and remove the seeds and core (or “the pulpy bit”). Dice them.
2. Mince the garlic. Combine olive oil, vinegar, lemon juice from 1/2 of the lemon, garlic, and sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste.
3. Toss the tomatoes in the lemon juice mixture and set in the fridge to marinate while the pasta cooks.
4. Chop the mozzarella into bite size pieces.
4. Cook and drain the spaghetti.
5. Mix the drained spaghetti in with the chopped basil leaves. They should get a little wilty. Add the tomato mixture and then the mozzarella and toss gently.
6. Devour.

Cook’s notes: This direction may SOUND complicated as it involves a lot of cooking items separately and a lot of ingredients. In reality, the more ingredients you have the better, but you can get by with just the big ones: rice, spinach, carrot, bean sprouts, and mushrooms. You should definitely make the effort to try and find the paprika paste as this is a great item to have in your kitchen and really makes or breaks this dish. As for cooking the items separately, you can do it all in one pan if you’ve got a big frying pan. Honestly the effort is worth it as this was one of my favorite dishes when I lived in S. Korea, and remains one of the best today!

Ingredients:
1 cup cooked rice per bowl
2 handfuls bean sprouts
10 mushrooms (shitake or button)
1 cup cooked seaweed
1 carrot
1 bundle spinach
2 tbsp sesame oil
soy sauce to taste
paprika to taste
white or rice vinegar to taste
Korean Paprika Paste
kimchi (optional)
sesame seeds (optional)
1 egg (optional)
Cooked and marinated tofu (optional)

Directions:
1. Cook and prepare the mushrooms in a tsp of sesame oil, tossed with sesame seeds and a few drops of soy sauce.
2. Meanwhile, slice the carrot into small slivers about 2″ long as seen in photo. Toss these with a little vinegar and store in fridge to keep cool.
3. Remove mushrooms from pan and set aside.
4. Cook the beansprouts in a little paprika and sesame oil to give them a little kick.
5. Separately, cook the spinach in a little sesame oil and sesame seeds.
6. Now comes the easy part! Spread some rice to fill 1/2 of the bowl. On top of the rice arrange small portions of the cooked and refrigerated ingredients as illustrated in the picture.
7. Fry an egg and throw it on top or use kimchi OR tofu. Mix with a little paprika paste if you managed to find it and mash until all the ingredients are combined together and you have a delightful selection of tastes! Eat with a spoon as trying to use chopsticks would be foolish.

Ingredients:
1 tbsp cooking oil
a pinch of cumin (or more)
a pinch chili powder or paprika
2 cloves garlic
cilantro (can be omitted)
1 medium yellow onion
1 medium red onion (can be omitted)
1 can chopped tomatoes in juice
1 tbsp tomato paste
1 can red kidney beans*
1 can white kidney beans*
1 can pinto beans*
(*you can use just one can of either of these if you are only making a small batch)
Salt n’ pepper to taste

Directions:
1. Dice the garlic, chop the onions, and open your cans of beans n’ tomatoes.
2. Heat the oil in a deep frying pan or pot on medium. When warm, throw in the garlic and onions. Sprinkle with salt, pepper, cumin, and chili powder until they look about your level of deadly. Toss w/ spices until the onions are almost translucent but not limp.
3. Chuck in the kidney beans, can of tomatoes, and tbsp of tomato paste. Put the lid on ‘er and reduce heat to low. Let the beans etc. slow cook for about 20 min. or so until they are tender. You may have to try a couple spoon fulls to see if you need to add more spices or cook longer.
4. Remove from heat and serve a) by itself, sprinkled with cilantro leaves b) over white rice c) in a tortilla with or without beans and cheese d) with chips!